Simon Sinek, in a Podcast interview, said that friendship may be one of the most needed – and most neglected – things in our technology-disintermediated world.
We’re “connected” all day long, yet real connection is getting harder to find. Social media, the 24/7 news cycle, and a thousand little digital temptations can quietly pull us apart. One-on-one, face-to-face conversation has become strangely rare. And if we’re honest, we’ve played a role in it. Those little dopamine hits we get from scrolling are real. So is the cost.
No wonder we’re living through an epidemic of loneliness.
So how do we find friends?
One of the best ways is to be one.
That starts with something simple, but surprisingly difficult: being fully present. Not halfway listening while we compose our next thought. Not checking our phone. Not scanning the room. Just being there. Curious about the person in front of us. Interested in what shapes them. Willing to let a conversation unfold instead of steering it like a business meeting.
Too often, we begin with, “So, what do you do for a living?” It’s not a bad question, but it’s rarely the best one. I’ve come to like this one better: “What are you most passionate about?” Try it sometime. You’ll hear a different story. And you might meet the real person faster.
If there’s one skill at the center of friendship, it’s listening. Not fixing. Not advising. Not rescuing. Just listening. Sometimes all a person wants is a safe place to say what they’re carrying. “Let me share this with you” can be its own kind of healing. It helps us sort our thinking. It softens the load. It reminds us we weren’t meant to do life alone.
Listening also opens the door to stories. And life stories, especially from the older generation, are astonishing. Life is a journey with more turns than any of us can predict. I’m drawn to the road less traveled: the risks people took, the hard lessons they learned, the losses they survived, and the unexpected joys that still along the way.
Someone once said the definition of a friend is someone who will help you move your belongings, especially if it’s more than once! We had friends help us move, unpack, and settle in. No small accomplishment, since we downsized from 2,300 square feet (with a basement and a two-car garage) to 1,100 square feet (no basement, and a one-car garage). That’s real friendship: sweat equity with a smile.
On my desk sits a “friendship plant.” It was a Christmas gift this year from my “faithful friend.” The plant is simple, but it says something every time I notice it: somebody thought about you.
I have the privilege of meeting with this friend twice a month. For the past two years, we’ve shared a love of science fiction, and we’re currently writing a sci-fi story together, along with ChatGPT. My friend is in his mid-fifties and has been blind since birth. I look forward to that hour we spend together twice a month. His cheerful outlook always lifts my spirits. He reminds me, without ever trying, that gratitude is a discipline, and joy can be practiced.
Friendship does take effort. It requires commitment to the relationship, and a willingness to share, to give, and to receive. When was the last time you called a friend? When was the last time you truly saw one?
Maintaining relationships takes time and intention. But it pays us back—in joy, in resilience, and yes, often in a longer life.
This week, reach out to one person you care about. Make the call. Set the coffee. Take the walk. And when you’re together, put the phone away and listen – really listen. Friendship grows the same way that plant on my desk does: with attention, time, and a little steady care.